Relationships 101: Types of Love in Relationships and What Makes Couples Last
Table of Contents
Most people talk about relationships as if they are powered by a single thing: love. If the love is strong, everything should work. If the love fades, the relationship is “over”.
However, from an evidence-based psychological approach, it is not that simple. A couple relationship is more accurately understood as a system made up of four components: love, romance, intimacy and commitment. These interact with each other and create different types of love in relationships, that evolve through time and circumstances. When these components shift, the relationship can feel completely different, even with the same person (Maureira Cid, 2011).
The Four Components of a Strong Relationship*
Maureira Cid’s framework separates his 4 components into components of two types:
- One biological component: love
- Three social/cultural components: romance, intimacy and commitment.
1) Love (biological)
Anthropologist Helen Fisher proposed that humans (like many mammals and birds) have three motivation–emotion systems that can operate in sequence:
- Desire (sexual appetite, wanting someone)
- Romantic Attraction (focused on one person, being obsessed with someone)
- Attachment (long-term bonding, feeling bonded to someone)
These systems are linked to different neurochemical patterns (e.g., dopamine and noradrenaline in romantic love, oxytocin and vasopressin in couple attachment).
Why this matters in real life: you can feel attached without feeling attracted. You can feel attracted without feeling safe or bonded. And you can feel desire without wanting a relationship at all.
2) Romance (social)
According to Yela (1997), romance is basically the set of things people do to show they’re interested in someone and to keep the “spark” alive (flirting, making effort, planning dates, small gestures, playful attention).
Romance tends to rise quickly in the first years of a relationship because of physical attraction, personal attraction, and our romantic expectations of what “being in love” means, (which we learn from films, family, friends and culture).
Over time, romance can fade, especially when you start living together, not because love has disappeared, but because life becomes more predictable. When there’s less mystery and novelty, you pay less intense attention to your partner, and the excitement naturally settles
3) Intimacy (social)
Intimacy is emotional safety: honest conversation, trust, sharing, feeling known. It tends to increase with shared experiences and mutual reciprocal disclosures, then after reaching a maximum it tends to stabilise.
4) Commitment (social)
Commitment is the decision to protect the relationship over time, especially when things are hard. It tends to grow with time due to the increase in personal and material interdependence of the members of the couple.
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Types Of Love In Relationships
Psychologist Robert Sternberg (1986)** described types of love in relationships using three ingredients: intimacy, passion (romance/chemistry) and commitment.
- Liking (affection): You’re genuinely close and you really like each other… but it’s more best-mate energy than romance. (Intimacy, no passion, no long-term commitment).
- Infatuation: Big spark loads of excitement and an “I can’t stop thinking about you” feeling… but not much depth or staying power yet. (High passion, low intimacy, low commitment, so it can vanish fast).
- Empty love: This can look like “we’re together, but we’re not connected”. You’re technically together, but the warmth and spark have gone missing. (High commitment, low intimacy, low passion).
- Romantic love: Close and passionate. You feel connected and attracted — the classic “we’re into each other and we actually talk” combo. (Intimacy + passion).
- Sociable/Companionate love: Deep friendship and strong loyalty, but the spark is quieter. It is common in long-term partners who are a solid team. (Intimacy + commitment, no passion).
- Fatuous love: Fast, intense, and committed… but without really knowing each other yet. Like a relationship built on chemistry and big decisions before the emotional foundation is there. (Passion + commitment, low intimacy).
- Consummate love: The full package (Intimacy + passion + commitment).
Why this matters: if you’re saying “I love them but I’m not in love,” you may be describing sociable love: high intimacy + high commitment with lower passion — which is common in long term marriages, and not automatically a problem.
| Types of love in relationships | Intimacy | Commitment | Passion/romance |
| Liking | ✓ | ||
| Infatuation | ✓ | ||
| Empty love | ✓ | ||
| Romantic love | ✓ | ✓ | |
| Companionate love | ✓ | ✓ | |
| Fatuous love | ✓ | ✓ | |
| Consummate love | ✓ | ✓ | ✓ |
How Love Evolves Over Time
Research discussed by Yela (1997)*** describes a common pattern across long-term relationships:
- Early stage (roughly 1–4 years): love and romance tend to be high.
- Passionate love phase (up to ~6 years): love and romance remain strong, while commitment grows.
- Companionate phase (6+ years): romance often becomes calmer, while intimacy and commitment become more central.
From there, relationships may stabilise as companionate love, drift into “friendship-only”, become “cohabiting but disconnected” (commitment without closeness), or end.
A modern translation: as you grow, you’ll often outgrow relationships that run purely on adrenaline. The goal becomes calm plus aliveness, not constant intensity.
Why Relationships Struggle (And What You Can Do About It)
In this framework, relationships often start to struggle when one component drops and the couple doesn’t notice what’s happening, and doesn’t want it to happen. For example, a relationship can become empty love (commitment without closeness or spark), or it can stay stuck in infatuation (passion without real intimacy or long-term stability).
The useful part is this: you don’t need to guess. You can identify what’s missing — romance, intimacy or commitment — and work on the right lever.
If romance is fading
Treat romance as behaviour, not a mood. Build it into your actual week:
- One planned experience per fortnight (it can be small: a new café, a gallery, an escape room)
- One “phone-down” ritual (even 20 minutes)
- One act that signals “I’m still flirting with you”
This maps directly onto the idea of romance as culturally defined actions that maintain attraction over time.
If intimacy is low but you function well on paper
You might be running on logistics. Intimacy increases with disclosure and shared meaning.
A simple shift is moving from “How was your day?” to “What’s been on your mind lately that you haven’t said out loud?”
If commitment feels a bit uncertain
If one person is “all in” and the other is hesitant, the relationship can feel very unstable. Try an honest, calm conversation about what commitment means to each of you: exclusivity, future plans, emotional availability and effort. If you can’t agree on the basics, it’s better to know early.
Want Support Making Sense of your Relationship?
Love changes over time, and that doesn’t mean anything is “wrong”. Often, what’s needed is a clearer understanding of what type of love is operating, which component is currently under strain (romance, intimacy, commitment or the felt sense of love itself), and what small changes make the biggest difference.
If you’re feeling stuck in the same relationship pattern, unsure whether to stay or leave, or noticing anxiety and overthinking in dating or long-term partnership, we can help.
At Clement Mind, we offer a supportive, evidence-based individual talking therapy service in Cambridge and London to understand what’s happening in your relationship and decide your next steps with clarity.
Want more information? Take a look to our page of what we do:
(*) Maureira Cid, F. (2011). Los cuatro componentes de la relación de pareja. Revista Electrónica De Psicología Iztacala, 14(1). Retrieved from https://www.revistas.unam.mx/index.php/repi/article/view/24815
(**) Sternberg, R. (1986) A Triangular Theory of Love. Psychological Review; 93, 2, 119-135.
(***) Yela, C. (1998). Temporal course of the basic components of love throughout relationships. Psychology in Spain, 2(1), 76–86.
