Do I Have Anxious Attachment? Signs, Causes and Ways to Heal
In romantic relationships, as in other close bonds such as friendships or family relationships, the way we interact can be shaped by the beliefs and insecurities we carry with us. We may also bring expectations or negative past experiences without being aware of it. In this context, anxious attachment refers to a way of relating that is defined by an uncontrollable fear of losing the person you love, an intense desire for closeness, and a constant sense of emotional alertness.
In this article, we aim to help you better understand this attachment pattern, how it affects a relationship and how it is possible to make changes and develop healthier relationships.
Table of Contents
What is Anxious Attachment?
This concept of attachment comes from attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby, and refers to the emotional bonds we build with significant people in our lives, especially in moments of need, distress or insecurity.
Broadly speaking, psychologists describe four main attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant and disorganised. These patterns often begin in childhood, they can develop when the bond with your attachment figures has been inconsistent, you have learned people are not always available.
However, these patterns are not necessarily fixed forever. When we talk about attachment styles in relationships, we are not really talking about labels inherent to a person. It is not “John has anxious attachment’ or “Penny has a secure attachment”. Everyone is different and patterns of relationships change over time, and over relationships. You might have had a pattern more similar to anxious attachment with your parents but still be perfectly able to develop secure attachments throughout your life in other relationships.
But what does “anxious attachment” mean? It consists of a pattern where love is experienced very intensely but it also comes with a feeling of not being enough, or a belief that one must constantly do more to be loved or to prevent abandonment. It manifests in a continuous need of reassurance, a heightened sensitivity to changes in the partner’s behaviour, and relationship crises that are often connected more to personal history than to what is actually happening in the relationship.
Signs of Anxious Attachment
- The relationship is experienced very intensely but it feels unstable
- Strong need for reassurance
- Fear of abandonment or rejection
- Sensitivity to emotional distance
- Overthinking relationship signals or the other person’s behaviour.
What Causes Anxious Attachment?
- When caregivers are sometimes available and sometimes distant, a child may grow up feeling unsure about others being present when needed. This experiences in early life may shape our future relationships, no matter whether these are romantic relationships, friendships or family relationships.
- Past experiences in romantic relationships or friendships, can make us more prone to experiencing or developing similar patterns in the future.
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How does Anxious Attachment Affect your Relationship?
When anxious attachment is present in a relationship, the bond is often experienced with strong emotional intensity. However, the relationship may not feel stable, leading to ongoing uncertainty and emotional overwhelm. Silences or small changes in behaviour may be interpreted as rejection. Periods of more emotional distance may feel like abandonment. This can be exhausting both for the person experiencing it and for their partner.
This pattern can also unintentionally activate avoidant attachment in the partner. For example, if one person seeks constant closeness while the other needs more space, a cycle of pursuit and withdrawal can develop.
Strong insecurity may also emerge in the relationship, with thoughts and worries about the other person cheating or leaving. These beliefs can lead to controlling behaviours (e.g. checking their phone, checking where they are) and emotional dependency. When these patterns are not recognised, understood and addressed, they can make the relationship very difficult to sustain.
Can You Change Your Anxious Attachment?
Yes, just as the type of love experienced can change the pattern of attachment can change. However, this process is rarely immediate or simple. Change often has to be conscious and you need to work on it progressively.
Transformation happens when we give ourselves time, space and language to understand what we are feeling and why. It may involve seeking support, learning about attachment patterns and learning how to communicate and interact in a healthier way with your partner.
Understanding our attachment style should not feel like a problem. It helps us recognise what we feel, understand what becomes activated in our relationships and why, and this can help us make the necessary conscious changes.
How Can You Overcome Anxious Attachment?
Behind anxious attachment there is usually a history of relationships that did not feel secure. The pattern often repeats itself unintentionally, because we have not really learned to relate to others in different ways. Here are some steps that may help:
- An initial step would be being able to identify the pattern.
- Observe yourself and identify your own triggers. Learn what situations tend to activate in yourself strong reactions or beliefs such as a fear of abandonment.
- Practise self-observation and try to understand your partner’s point of view without criticism, and when communicating with your partner, try to refrain from blaming them. Instead, try to understand both yours and their point of view and communicate from a more grounded and understanding position.
- Promote your autonomy. Having your own interests, relationships and personal space is healthy and can help prevent falling into unhealthy patterns.
If you have tried multiple things, or you don’t really know how to go through this process, talking therapy can be a helpful tool to help you move from an anxious type of attachment to creating more a more secure or calm bonds.
At Clement Mind, we offer evidence-based talking therapy, face-to-face in Cambridge and online, helping individuals understand their attachment patterns and build healthier more happy interpersonal relationships.
